Unsure. That's the best word.
I was so timid and afraid. We bought a boat. He gave me a choice: We could get kayaks, which is the sport I really wanted to do or we could get a sailboat, the sport he really wanted to do.
Sometimes, the simplest choice is where the road less taken goes.
We bought the sailboat. He'd teach me and he was a great teacher. I knew I'd be safe, I trusted that. I didn't have nightmares and I wasn't scared. Just a bit timid and unsure.
He polished and polished the boat. He traveled a lot with his job. We didn't get to take it out for weeks because he left on trips and he'd come home and enjoy the fact that we were going. Soon.
And then, before we knew it, fall had arrived. Cool air in Arkansas and beautiful sunshine. The leaves were just starting to turn colors, some on the ground. He knew we had to go soon.
We had trouble opening the hangar door and I joked that the boat didn't like cold water either. He remarked on the way to the lake that it seemed like I didn't want to go. I reminded him that I didn't like to be wet and cold. We wouldn't be out long, he promised.
About noon, he was rigging lines for the first time on a little boat very similar to a sunfish. It would be a wet ride and I knew it. I waited patiently on the dock and pleaded with him to change into dry clothes after he fell into the water once. We hadn't even left the dock. No, no, we aren't going to be out long.
The water was 64 degrees. The day was about 70. The wind picked up a little and there were small waves, just maybe every 10th one or so white-capping. He shivered. I snapped a pic and got into the boat.
He headed to the middle of the lake and I rode toward the front, not really paying attention to anything he'd done. He confidently took the rudder and set the sail with a cinching lock. It seemed like we were going really really fast to me. I looked back to ask about this and he slid out of the back of the boat.
Seconds later, I reached the rudder and tried to turn the boat around and almost tipped over. He was far away now and I snapped a pic in my mind of his location from the shore, because water is moving.
He didn't try to swim. I got stuck in irons after I release the cinched down sail. I tried to get to him, and I couldn't. He bobbed up and down a couple of times and was gone. I was screaming and screaming.
I don't know how I turned the boat around. I don't know how I got to a shore. I don't know how I found his shoe in the lake and got it in the boat without tipping over. I got out of the boat, soaked myself - fell on the rocks multiple times and continued screaming. I don't know how long it took.
Finally a boat came over and I was so hysterical. They left me on the shore and went racing around on the lake, frantically looking for him. I remembered thinking they were going really fast and they were going to hit him. I looked around at the most incredible beauty around me and I can still hear the sirens.
When the police got there, they picked me up off the shore and I rode back to the dock, shaking and by then, entering shock. I was so frozen. When my friends got there, they insisted that someone get me a blanket as I was near passing out.
I remember my heart pounding. I remember hearing my breath in my ears. I remember someone towing the little boat back to shore. I remember the mean tone the officer took with me.
I remember calling his mom and hearing the primal, guttural scream on the other end of the phone. I remember his Dad saying matter of fact, he wasn't wearing a life jacket. I remember my friend giving me something to sleep because I was no longer functional.
No life jackets on. No emergency whistle. Cold water. Cool day. No jackets on. The marina was closed. No float plan, no one knew we were out there. In the middle of the lake. God's garden gate swung open and he took my beloved husband home to Himself.
My life altered forever.
