Strength

A million times over, it will never matter if anyone ever sees this blog.  No one else was there on that horrific day and no one else has had to carry it for the rest of their days.

My friends took the guns out of our home and a neighbor came over every day to make sure that I ate something and hadn't killed myself.

With shock, I realized that I would have to go to work.  Could I hold a job?  I'd been a housewife for 8 years and never worked after college.  Was I going to be ok?

And somehow it is 19 years later.  While I would never say that I have been a career success of any sort, I did keep my head and managed somehow to keep a job at a very nice company.

I have a ton to be thankful for:  I was so timid back then, young - 27 when he drowned and he was only 32.  A lot of life ahead lost for us.  And a lot of strength gained for me.  Good thing, because this is not the last hard thing that happened to me.

I proved that I could work and function and I think I might be one of those people that just takes a long time to get over the bumps that life throws our way.  I'm so much stronger than I thought I was.  I've owned a house, sold it and have been in a condo.  I'm about to sell it too.


Here is my second chance:  In one month, I am going to fly to Tampa, FL, get on a sailboat and learn to sail it properly.  I'm going to have a float plan, emergency whistle, an experienced instructor and my love and best friend in this whole world at my side.  We will both wear PFDs.


The challenge:  How to stay in the present and appreciate the past without letting it take over.

I still doubt myself sometimes and doubt that I am smart, capable or going to be able to do this without melting. 

But I'm strong.