And we are back!

Written 7/1/15    What a whirlwind!

I didn't even take a single photo!! 

I was so nervous about meeting the instructor, taking a test, remembering my knots.  I was drawing a blank on my knots.  My partner in crime and fun wasn't feeling well - unrelated to sea sick, but the extreme heat in Tampa did not help her situation.

What we bought:
A classroom time that should have taken 2 days, but the instructor stretched it to 3.
A full 2 days on the boat.  The weather didn't really cooperate very well, not anyone's fault.
4 nights of sleeping on the boat.

What we got:
3 full days of classtime, both written tests for ASA101 and ASA103 completed.
1hour on the water, in the boat, with less than 1kt of wind.  bummer.
However, we got excellent scores on our test and an agreement that we can come back to the water portion later in the year.  We will schedule when it's cooler and we are well.
1night on the boat.  The extreme heat, the rigamarole to move an air conditioner to get off/on the companionway, the impending giant thunderstorms all pointed to getting off the boat for 3 nights.

Has to be said:
No one needs to beat into me what hypothermia looks like or what to do.  I researched.
John was in the water for approximately 1 minute before he was gone, our Doctor friend said.
This instructor understood what happened to me, but perhaps not the magnitude of what happened spent a very long time making me feel badly about what happened by hypothermia overdiscussion. (obviously I felt this unnecessary)

Here's the upside of it all.  I loved loved sleeping on the boat. 
I liked the intimate feel of the space, but can see where some folks might not like how tiny it is.
I can see clearly that I need to get some weight off me.  And get rid of stuff from my house.

When the sails went up - Thanks partner!  .. it was fantastic.  A slight breeze filled them - nothing happened too scary fast and it all was quiet when on the water.  Time to think of my point of sail and time to understand the boat movement.

:)  No tipping over!

We've determined to go out on our own lakes here to get more of that learning time in this summer.
And we are back!

Busy

Isn't everyone?

Work has been nuts and I take care of an alzheimer Momma after I am done with my daytime job.  I do all the things a mom does.  I worry, I fret, I hope I'm doing a good job and I'm grateful for the opportunity.  

The last few weeks, I'm trying to learn sailing terms, knots and hope that I don't get seasick.  Getting ready to go out of town is a huge ordeal at my house!

And this trip is really special.  It's close to my heart.  And I know that my mom would be really proud.  I'm facing my fear and everyday feels good about that.  She was such a source of strength for me when I first lost John.

I'm scared to death to tell my Mother in Law, John's mom.  Like me, she hasn't been on boats - I don't think she's gone out at all since John's death.  Hey, I just ventured out within the last 2 years on a sailboat and kayak.  Previously, all ferry rides; and the one time I got into a lake to swim, I had a panic attack.

Where did 19years go?  Why am I not a better success than I am?

How can I change that?

Oh yeah, this is part of that journey.  Not being afraid of boats anymore.  

If I can face this, my biggest fear of failing, then I can face letting go of things, downsizing both myself and my stuff, having new adventures, finish projects, and maybe, just maybe even give myself permission to be successful.

Life's busy!

It's grand. 

Mixed

Written before we left, but this is how it felt:

Life is such a mixed bag.

I'm stronger than I thought I was. (yay!)

Studying anything makes me understand that I do not know very much.  :(

I'm not very acclimated to the heat, so I hope hope I do ok outside...
I'm not very good at drinking water - this I can change.  :)

A few minutes ago, I looked at a pic of the Hunter 29' that we will be on, and got really excited.
And... then, remembered how much I have to learn.

I'm sure I'll need lots of practice and that I will need encouragement.

What if I tip over?

What if I can't learn sailing?
Ok, there's some anxiety there.

A lot of travelling dreams hinge on this week.
I'm determined.
I'm stronger than I thought I was.

Life is such a mixed bag.

Trying to imagine

No bad dreams.

What it will be like to pull the lines for the first time and raise the sail?

Trying to imagine leaving the dock for the first time?

Making a sandwich?

How will I stand up?  I'm not that coordinated.

What if the instructor gives up on me?  

Will I remember how to turn the boat?

Will I forget the knots I studied just hen I need them?

Will we get to see a dolphin?

So much of the fun is in dreaming about it all.

:)

2 week countdown

Argh... it's 2 weeks.

Do I know the difference between a halyard and a jib and a rudder?  yes.
Do I know how to tie a knot?  ha, sometimes.
Do I know what to do if someone falls overboard? not really.

Hmm, ok, so there is some more studying to do.

I do know that I love the blue water and sky.
I do know that I feel strong enough to learn it.

I'm a little sad about the past lately.
There is nothing to do but grow from it and become a person that is worth the surviving.
....and believe me, I've survived a Lot.  Capital L.

He'd be proud.  Me, tying knots until I got a sliver from the rope.
I'll probably whine when it happens on the boat.   I'm proud.

Hope I can make sense of what I read.
Hope I can haul my a** up the swim ladder.
...hope there IS a swim ladder!

Do I know that I still want the adventure?
OMG, it's 2 weeks and I'm a little excited!!!!
:)

By Mark Blanchard

The first sail since

Pensacola Florida - 2013

Vacation.  Sand and water, a lighthouse.

I only visit the grave occasionally.  Sometimes I get the urge to go.  But he's not there and we always acknowledged that fact.  I always walk on the beach first and take a special seashell, bury it in the sand on the grave and no one knows.

It's quiet.  The Pensacola national cemetery is one of the most beautiful places in the world to me.  The planes fly over - he was a pilot.  The lighthouse is near - it's never dark.  The emerald coast is just over the slight hill.  Oh, and don't forget the Naval Aviation Museum.  Famous last words 'Let's just stop here for an hour'.... We loved it all and this place in particular, so it's the perfect burial place for him.

I had my visit to the special grave.  Life and flowers are for the living and so I do not take flowers and I never spend very long there.  He wouldn't want me to.

We rented a trimaran sailboat with a captain for a sunset cruise.  He was the nicest guy.  When we came out of the protected harbor, the lighthouse was right there and just over the hill would be the grave.  I teared up a little and saluted.  I felt sad, but only for a minute.  He wouldn't want me to.

He would want me to be on the water again.  He would want me to love my life and choose people and activities that make me happy.

When we cut the motor and it got quiet, the sails were raised and we began to move smoothly.  There is no rocking on one of these boats.  It was incredible!  I could see the little waves and the sunset was very pretty.  We really enjoyed it.

I felt connected to the water - I've always been connected to the water.

This photo was taken and it has inspired a dream.

Strength

A million times over, it will never matter if anyone ever sees this blog.  No one else was there on that horrific day and no one else has had to carry it for the rest of their days.

My friends took the guns out of our home and a neighbor came over every day to make sure that I ate something and hadn't killed myself.

With shock, I realized that I would have to go to work.  Could I hold a job?  I'd been a housewife for 8 years and never worked after college.  Was I going to be ok?

And somehow it is 19 years later.  While I would never say that I have been a career success of any sort, I did keep my head and managed somehow to keep a job at a very nice company.

I have a ton to be thankful for:  I was so timid back then, young - 27 when he drowned and he was only 32.  A lot of life ahead lost for us.  And a lot of strength gained for me.  Good thing, because this is not the last hard thing that happened to me.

I proved that I could work and function and I think I might be one of those people that just takes a long time to get over the bumps that life throws our way.  I'm so much stronger than I thought I was.  I've owned a house, sold it and have been in a condo.  I'm about to sell it too.


Here is my second chance:  In one month, I am going to fly to Tampa, FL, get on a sailboat and learn to sail it properly.  I'm going to have a float plan, emergency whistle, an experienced instructor and my love and best friend in this whole world at my side.  We will both wear PFDs.


The challenge:  How to stay in the present and appreciate the past without letting it take over.

I still doubt myself sometimes and doubt that I am smart, capable or going to be able to do this without melting. 

But I'm strong.